The Dark Night of the Soul and Making Space

 I must admit that it feels strange to be back after all this time. I've been going through a 'Dark Night of the Soul' When I left this blog a few months ago my life was in the process of changing dramatically. I anticipated these unwanted changes to be inhibiting my ability to write and so it has been.

Many writers find that the location they find themselves in not only influences how they write it also influences what they write. In my case, I moved from a place where I'd been happy and content with my life to a place I truly do not like. The town in which I currently reside is not a place where I want to live or grow old and it is certainly not the place where I want to die.

It is however the place where I am for the time being. For the last few months, I've been blaming 'the wheelchair' for my current situation. After all, so a part of me reasoned these past few months, if I had been 'able-bodied', I'd have a real, paying job and I'd be able to live where I please.

This is bullshirt - Good Place reference - many able-bodied, working people often find themselves in situations beyond their control and not of their choosing. My current situation is no one's fault, its simply life happening.

For the longest time, I had no idea what to do with the feeling of rage, sadness, and impotence I was feeling. As it turns out the first step was admitting to myself what I admitted to you three paragraphs ago. This is not where I want to be. Period.

When this move first materialized and in my first few weeks here, I felt guilty for not liking this new town, as if admitting to myself that this is not my place or my path, was somehow selfish or an affront to all those around me who are doing what they can to make this easier for me. Please understand that I see and appreciate your efforts. This isn't personal and my feelings about this town are not a reflection on any of you.

Admitting my feelings and making peace with those feelings have not been easy, but it was only when I did this that I began to glimpse a path forward. Being honest with myself does not give me an excuse to go around with a glum face all day or mope to the accompaniment of sad violin music crying 'woe is me.' 

This is not where I want to be. Fact. But this is where I am and for the moment at least, there is little I can do to change that. Also a fact. So now what? We've already ruled out a pity party and violin music. Also, speaking from personal experience, whatever you do, don't comfort eat. It only made me feel worse and it is bad for your health. Besides the diet that I will now have to go on is not going to be fun.

I've been reading a lot lately, even more than I usually do. Mostly self-help books - hey now, don't judge it was either that or the violins - and some of them are actually helping. One of these books had a chapter called, MAKING SPACE, about doing nothing, except to be wherever you are and using the opportunity to make space for something new.

It was as I read that chapter this past week, that I realized the second part of where I'd gone wrong. I was so uncomfortable with my feelings of discomfort and discontent that I first invalidated them and then, once I accepted what I was feeling, tried to 'work through' those feelings as quickly as possible in an effort to feel 'normal' again. It was too uncomfortable to simply sit with the feeling and let it be. What if there is nothing you can 'do' in a difficult situation, but to let it be what it is? Why are we so uncomfortable with our own discomfort? Where did we get the idea that life had to be 'fair' and all smooth sailing? Why do we think we have to be happy all the time or that only happy feelings are good and valid? 

My second revelation came just this morning as I was making a Personal Sovereignty Map -  part of me found it more than just a little ironic since I'd never felt less like the captain of my own ship - I realized as I went within myself that I was making space and that there was space enough for my discomfort and anger and fear as well as for my hope, happiness, optimism, trust, and curiosity. All it needs is a little space, a dollop of faith, and a dash of Grace...

Regards

Freeda Moon