Beware the Pitfalls - Parenting the Differently-abled Part II

In a lot of ways parenting a differently-abled child is not that different from parenting an able-bodied child.  We all need the same love, nurturing and guidance. The pitfalls I will list here applies just as easily to any child, it is just that I come at them from the perspective of someone who is differently-abled.

Also, as a parent, if you look at this list and see that you have fallen into some or even all of these pitfalls, it doesn't make you a bad parent, merely a human one. I now have enough distance from my childhood to know that most parents are only doing the very best they can. They are all products of their own time, culture and upbringing. Just as we, their children, are the products of our own time.

There are no perfect parents and no perfect children, either.

THE DREAM CRUSHER VS THE CHEERLEADER

Imagine you are reading the paper one evening after a long day at work when your 5-year-old son comes wheeling into the living-room and excitedly announces that he wants to be a cowboy when he grows up. You look at the boy and can't see how he'll ever be able to ride a horse, let alone herd cattle. So you tell him, as gently as you can, that people in wheelchairs can't be cowboys, you may even point out all the practical reasons why this can never be.

The Dream Crusher Parent does not mean to be cruel. In his or her own way this parent is trying to spare their child future pain. But here's the thing, the boy in this example is only 5, his dreams will change every few days, by next week this child may have wanted to be an astronaut or a farmer, or a doctor, but the Dream Crusher parent will likely never hear any more of his son's dreams, or they will only hear the dreams their child thinks is achievable.

By contrast, the Cheerleader Parent will face the same situation but react with enthusiasm, encouraging the child to dream. Depending on the child's reaction, the Cheerleader parent may even research horse-riding classes for the differently-abled (this is a real thing. The differently-abled can definitely indulge in horseback riding).

In the second scenario the child is encouraged to keep dreaming, keep reaching, to do what he can. The world will break your child's heart, that's just a fact. It's not your job to help the world break his spirit. It is your job to help your child feel safe enough to one day spread their wings and fly.

THE 'DO TOO MUCH' PARENT 

With a differently-abled child, there is the temptation to do too much, to never expect the child to do anything for him or herself. You don't want your child to struggle and I understand that,  but at the same time, I'm here to tell you: "Struggle will be part of your differently-abled child's life. That's simply how it is."

 The best way to help them is to allow them to try, even if that means trying and failing. They are bound to discover that they can do more than they thought. As for those things they truly can't do, those things you help them with while exploring different ways in which your child can go around the problem.

GOOD ENOUGH

The differently-abled child grows up in a world were 'perfection' is everything. This is difficult for the average person, for the differently-abled child it can be devastating. As a parent, you need to let your child know that he is 'good enough' despite what the billboards and TV ads might say.


Regards

Freeda Moon

Note: This blog will be taking a two-week-long hiatus as I finish my upcoming novel. See you all in 2020!