Give Your Heart a Break - Romantic Love and the Differently-Able Part I

It can happen

It can happen Jenny and John are living proof that the differently-abled can find love, romantic love, that is. I wish I did not have to phrase it like that, that it could be accepted as a normal fact of life, like 'Yes, of course, differently-abled people fall in love, of course, they do! They're human so it's kind of a given, right?'

Well...

Jenny was somewhat of a legend amongst her circle of friends, she was feisty, irreverent and she refused to be defined by her wheelchair, but her legendary status sprung from the fact that she bucked convention.

How?

She did something really daring. Can you guess? She fell in love with a young man who worked at the care facility where she lived and he fell in love with her. He was 26, she was 25 and they started dating, as two young people in love do. So far nothing too scandalous right? Just two consenting adults enjoying one another's company. Then the relationship turned physical.

By the time the relationship came to the attention of the care facility's management John and Jenny were already engaged. The management was shocked! Shocked! How could they, disabled people are not supposed to feel romantic love. Why it goes against the very grain of society!

John was fired and threatened with worse if he continued to see Jenny, while Jenny was put before a choice. Stop seeing John or be kicked out of the care facility. Naturally, Jenny did what any hot-blooded, independent young woman would do. She left the care facility and moved in with John's parents.

When I met the couple briefly at a braai in the early 2000's they'd been married for three years and had a beautiful two-year-old to show for it. They called the little girl Faith. As Jenny sat telling me this story with dramatic flair she'd winked at John who mimicked the shocked expressions of management as Faith skipped happily among the various wheelchairs gathered on the patio, oblivious to the stir her parents caused by doing something as simple and every day as falling in love.

You look so beautiful tonight

Twenty years earlier:

It was a primary school dance, like a mini farewell before we headed to High School. I was wearing this gorgeous lace dress, black lace with purple frills, falling in layers to my feet, think Spain. I wore a black velvet band around my neck, adorned with a purple rose. (This was '89 it was the high fashion at the time...)

I looked good and I knew it.

Sam approached me, he was a boy I knew and we were friends, casual, easy.  "Wow, Freeda! You look really beautiful in that dress!''

It was obvious he meant it too. I was so touched, his words lit me up inside, but he wasn't done yet and before I could reply he continued with: "If it wasn't for the wheelchair guys would be lining up around the block..." 

I felt like I'd been slapped, hard.

Okay, that was harsh, but he didn't mean it like that. He was trying to give you a compliment...he's 12, 12-year-old boys are notoriously stupid. It's okay, it's fine.

I swallowed reflexively against the huge lump in my throat.

Don't cry, you cannot cry now. Crying would be bad, you know you've never mastered dignified crying. You go straight into 'ugly cry' accompanied by wailing, you cannot do that here. Breathe, come on Freeda work with me here...

I took a deep breath and realized Sam was still talking, oblivious to my inner turmoil. ''...anyway, that dress is just...''

''Beautiful... thanks, you look nice too.''

That was the moment, right there...the moment I lost my voice.

First love first crush oh what feeling is this

Two years later, it's 1991 and I'm in Grade 9. I'm a geeky, nerdy introvert with my head constantly in a book. I'm painfully shy and my voice goes MIA when someone speaks to me when I'm not expecting it. Teachers like me because my homework was always done weeks ahead of time and I always knew the answers in class. (Damn, I must have been sooo annoying to the other kids!)

I was very much a loner and what little friends I did have were two, even three grades below me. I couldn't connect with my own Grade and they seemed unsure how to handle this brainy geek. Then he came along...

For the purposes of this blog, I'll call him Charles. He strode into the classroom and into my naive
14-year-old heart on the first day of the school year, it was between periods and our teacher had left the class for a moment.

Charles was tall, blonde with a blonde bang falling rebelliously over one eye. He could've stepped right off the pages of Teen Vogue, he was just this perfect like, like a blonde Tom Cruise (What? This was the early nineties, Tom Cruise was still hot back then...and sane)

When Charles left the class a few minutes later, after delivering a message or something, I gathered all my courage and managed to ask the girl beside me who the guy was. The question came out in the usual halting way with too many breaths in between each word.

"Charles," she answered nonchalantly, before looking at me more intently. She chuckled softly, the sound one of commiseration. "Welcome to the club."

I felt my cheeks flush."What...club...?"

The teacher re-entered the classroom before I could get a reply. Sitting down at her desk the teacher caught my eye and frowned.  "Freeda is everything alright?"

I nodded vigorously, my voice nowhere to be found.

"Are you sure? You look a bit feverish..."

"Charles was just here," the girl beside me piped up.

"Oh," said the teacher and then as she glanced at me again "oooh, I see..."

I had no idea what she was seeing, but I fervently wished the ground would open up and swallow me whole.

And so began the crush that would define my teenage years, lasting from Grade 9 to Grade 12. It was heaven and hell all rolled into one and if I had any choice in the matter it never would have happened in the first place. There's a reason it's called 'falling' in love because it's not something you consciously do, it happens in the blink of an eye, whether you want to or not.

The first months were agony, more so because whenever Charles came within ten feet of me my mind shut down and my voice just fled, it was mortifying. I'd never felt more vulnerable or out of control. I hated it, but I just couldn't control it.

Then out of nowhere, he started greeting me as we passed one another in the passage and my agony doubled because all I could manage in response to his very normal and appropriate 'hi' was a strange wheezy breathing sound.

Where the heck is my voice, come on Freeda this is not so hard you only need to utter two syllables. 

I was so embarrassed that I started actively avoiding him, taking alternate routes between classes. My boarding school room-mate, I'll call her Alice, thought the whole situation was hilarious. "Your voice really just goes away?"

"Yes."

"Where does it go?"

"Damned if I know."

I actually think she suspected I was being overly dramatic after all my voice worked just fine with her no wheezing, no stuttering, no bopping my head up and down like Noddy. Maybe that's why the Universe conspired to give her a first-hand experience.

It was one evening after supper, Alice was on kitchen duty and I was keeping her company when who walks in but Charles himself, over the sudden loud buzzing in my head I hear him say 'hi' greeting Alice and me, the greeting accompanied by that megawatt smile.

I opened my mouth to return the greeting like a normal person...nothing, not a sound. I just sat there for a minute like an idiot with my mouth hanging open and then I fled, literally, riding out of the kitchen as fast as my electric wheelchair would allow.

My heart pounded like a drum and there was this strange whoozing sound in my ears and I was desperately afraid I might cry before being able to reach the safety of my bedroom. By the time Alice entered the room 15 minutes later I'd managed to compose myself somewhat.

"Wow, Freeda you just sped away like you had the devil on your heels..." She trailed off when she saw my face. "I'm sorry, you said it was bad, but I didn't think..." She knelt next to the wheelchair and put a comforting arm around my shoulder. "It's alright."

"Its really not," I sniffed and took a deep fortifying breath before asking: "So what happened after I left?"

"We'll he was confused," Alice said carefully.

"I can imagine."

"I told him you were very, very, very shy."

"Thanks." I gave a wry laugh that held no humor at all

I remember nothing of the rest of Grade 9, life went on and I soldiered through it throwing myself into my schoolwork with a gusto that even began to worry my teachers.

"You are not mixing with your classmates," The House Mother told me in February of my Grade 10 year.

"I have friends...I have a friend."

"Not in your year."

"My grades are good."

Miss Eliza smiled. "Your grades are excellent, your grades are not the issue and you know that. We want you to socialize with kids your own age..." Her words hung in the air and I wasn't sure how she expected me to respond.

Finally, I settled on a mumbled 'ok fine'. It lacked any kind of enthusiasm at all, but the House-Mother was not about to be deterred.

"Excellent! I was thinking you could start this weekend." I gave her a blank stare causing her to feel the need to elaborate. "I'm referring to Valentine's Day social. You are going, right?" She made it sound more like a foregone conclusion than an actual question.

"Well, I wasn't actually planning on..."

Miss Eliza cut me off, a beaming smile on her face. "I was actually going to keep this as a surprise, but I got you a ticket."

No, you didn't for pitty's sake please tell me you didn't actually...

She produced the ticket placing it on the desk between us, still beaming as if she'd just given me the world instead of ordering me to enter what for me might as well have been the tenth circle of hell.

"That's very nice of you Miss but I don't have a date..."

"Oh lots of people go stag," she waved my objection off like it was some pesky fly.

No, they don't, maybe to other socials but not to this one.

I steeled myself, preparing to look this gift horse in the mouth. "Miss, as much as I appreciate the very kind gesture..."

But she was determined not to hear me, she'd come out from behind her desk and gave me a hug. "Don't mention it just go and enjoy yourself!"

"What did Miss Eliza want?" Alice asked once I got back to the room.

I showed her the ticket. She squealed for a full five minutes. It finally dawned on her that I wasn't squealing along. "Wait why aren't you more excited? I'd kill for one of those."

"You can have this one."

"Very funny you know this dance is for Grade 10 and up only."

Yes, I knew, in fact, that was half the problem. You see I actually liked socials. At the more informal ones, I had no qualms about showing up alone and dancing by myself, alone or in a group with the younger girls, throwing S shapes on the floor as I twirled in my electric wheelchair. But this dance was different, this was the dance and there was an air of exclusivity about it. It was terrifying.

Alice looked at me and I looked at her. A tense silence hung in the air. Then she said: "So...what are you going to wear?"

Friday night came way too soon. I allowed the carers at the hostel to get me ready and dutifully headed for the school hall. "Oh, you look so nice," Miss Eliza said as she saw me.

I gave her my sweetest smile and thought: Bite me!

***

At least the music's cool, I thought as I watched the patterns of light the disco ball made on the walls as it twirled. I sat as far back against the wall as it was possible to get, well out of the way of the dancing couples. A knot of people started to gather on the dance floor and I recognized some faces from my Grade. They formed a circle as the previous slow dance switched to a faster rhythm.

I was purposely not looking for Charles, the last thing I needed now was to...

Oh Crap!

"Freeda, come and join us..." He was looking right at me.

"What?"

My voice! I have a voice!

Apparently, my voice was so shocked by the invitation it forgot to run and hide.

"Come into the circle, dance with us."

Lydia, the pretty blonde girl in my class glanced at Charles then back at me. "Yeah come on I've seen what that wheelchair can do..."

I joined the circle like someone moving on auto-pilot when it was my turn in the center of the circle I twirled a few times, then retreated to let the next dancer in, everyone was cheering and clapping. The song ended and I started to move back against the wall.

"Hey, wanna dance?"

I stared at Charles like he was from another planet.

"Um, uh the circle's already disbanded..."

And my voice is hanging in there, thank you old buddy I REALLY need you right now so don't go anywhere...

"I meant just us," Charles clarified.

"Ok."

The opening cords of BIG IN JAPAN by Alphaville started blaring over the speakers as he led me onto the floor. It was so surreal, even now as I write this (with Alphaville playing in the background) that moment, that dance comes back to me in vivid technicolor...

After that night I found myself accepted into my Grade, Lydia offered to help me with my hair in the mornings before school coaxing my unattractive boys cut into a semblance of a style. Boys started coming to me for a female perspective or help with homework.

When Charles greeted me in the hallways I returned the greeting and somehow that was enough. I watched various girlfriends come and go and in time my crush on him became more manageable. It was always there, in the background, but it lacked the intensity of the early years.

29 years have passed since that Valentine's dance and I've often wondered how it was that everything changed after that night, was it Charles' influence that made my classmates see me differently, or was it my new confidence? Perhaps a little of both? I'll never know, but one thing Charles taught me is that it only takes one person to make a difference, one moment to change a life...

With Love

Freeda Moon

PS. I left a chocolate on Miss Eliza's desk the week after the dance if she hadn't forced me to go to that dance who knows what might've happened!

Disclaimer: All the names in this and next week's follow up post have been changed...


Next time: Give your heart a Break part II - The anatomy of a crush in your 30's